We are but a Fruit of Life
Have you ever woken up in the middle of the night after an inspiring dream that lead you to realize the mortality of your life? Yes I said inspiring even though during the dream moment that I could remember; I felt as if I’ve wasted my whole life doing the things that I have done - playing games, procrastinating, studying subjects that I didn’t even care about, socializing and spending as much time with my family and friends as I could as a means of getting by life and avoiding work.
Its 3:50 am, cold and hungry I get up to flush down a few biscuits with some fresh water. I begin typing but cold chills are rippling throughout my body, so I prepare a hot water bottle and place it on my lap. Warm and resolved I will now tell you my dream; what I think it means; and why I think we are but a fruit of life.
I’m in a dark room, there are people watching the television, suddenly I notice my left foot has a hole in it. That’s strange I thought to myself, it doesn’t hurt, but it looks painful. One of my cousins also notices it and points out the peculiar occurrence. I compared it to my right foot and notice that the right foot is bright, glowing and healthy, while the left foot is pale, dull and lifeless. What’s going on? Do I have some illness, a tumor, cancer, disability perhaps?
I was suddenly struck with the conclusion that I am old, frail and slowing dying, but above all its too late. Too late to start living the life that I always wanted, as I have wasted time doing meaningless trivial things and gotten nowhere. I felt as if no one cares about me anymore, like an abandon soul that has lost its potential to be happy, or others acknowledgement of its existence. There’s nothing left for it but death itself. How pitiful.
(to be continued)
Feelings of regret and sorrow welled up as I see myself like this. I read somewhere that dreams are created subconsciously and hence are messages from the subconscious highlighting unresolved issues of your life. Also everything in the dream is just a symbolism of the aspects of yourself, which would mean that the same people and objects would mean differently to different people, which is why I do not think dream diaries are helpful to understanding your dreams.
(continues ...)
Then I see a commercial on the television, there is a child playing on the swings. Standing besides the child is a colorful animated design of a lady, I squint to see who that lady was and to my surprise it was my own mother. What is she doing on T.V.? For some reason I realized that she had passed away, which brought me grief and sorrow, even though for the majority of my life I did not connect with her on any emotional level, I miss her and felt sorry for her. If only there was something I could have done.
Suddenly I realized that we both have lived a pretty meaningless life. She’s always concerned about money and living a rather happier more luxurious lifestyle, and did what she could to get it. I don’t blame her because I feel the same way; it’s just that I don’t consciously admit it. Most of my mother’s life was wasted sowing clothes at home for other people who underpaid her for her skilful efforts. She is a hard worker, but ended up having heaps of dept, and financial insecurity that only burden on others that was trying to help.
I wake up, feeling regretful and sad but at the same time motivated to do something about it. I close my eyes and warmed up to the cosiness that is my bed. In my mind an animated clip of a small avocado growing in size into a big, bright, shiny glowing green fruit, only to slowly wilt into a pale and ugly green mess. That’s when I realized my own mortality and that time will eventually catch up to me, as slow as it seems.
I frown at moments when people ask me what I do for a living because I don’t have any new way to avert the question, so I vaguely as possible say that I’m studying TAFE to become a teacher, a path that I have already abandoned. Maybe it’s time to just tell the truth, which is that I’m doing NOTHING.
Yes nothing, just bumming around at my computer for half of the day with the intention of writing up my goals on Microsoft notepad so that I can inspire myself to move forward in life. One minute passes and I’m back on the “Sims 3” loading screen. I love to create a virtual life in which all my hopes and dreams are fulfilled. I have a beautiful young fiancée Jenny Aniston that I live with; in a stunning well decorated three story house. I recently have a young boy named Leon who goes to school and studies hard for good grades and my bank account is beyond the million mark, with me owning all the property that is purchasable in the fictional city of Sunset Valley.
As fun as the ‘Sims 3’ is, one would find at some point or rather that there is nothing left to do but watch, which would get boring to the point as to ‘save quite’. The other half of my day is spent worrying about the future and how messed up it looks from this angel. So what will I do now? Honestly I don’t know, I just know one thing at the moment and that is to discover what it is that I want to do most in life and start there.
For everyone else reading this, I invite you all to find your passion, to follow your dreams and give your life more meaning if you haven’t do so already. I don’t believe life is about making as much money as you can to buy the latest iphone or ipad, expensive cars, brand clothes and etc. Isn’t there something else you want to do? Something that you keep thinking you’ll do when you are financially security? What if tomorrow never comes, would you be proud of your efforts today? If you are then good for you, but if not then maybe it time to start.
Labels:
motivation,
subconscious
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